I’m 24 hours away from becoming a single parent for a period of 2 to 4 months.  I’m hoping for 3 max, of course.  Last night Dennis said “Just say the word and we’ll abort”, so I said “Ok, let’s abort”, and then we laughed.   It was a silly game at what if.  It would be really stupid if we aborted now after everything we have psyched ourselves up for. Of course, we are going to follow thru with the plan!

Now there is a chance I will be getting a job working remotely for a company which will slow the entire process of getting the house ready for sale.  But given the state of our bank account, I think it would be dumb not to take it.  Hopefully most of the work will be done between now and when I will have to start the job.  I’m leaving it in the hands of fate.  If it’s meant to be, I will get the job.  If it’s not, then I won’t.  Whatever happens there, I will accept.  There are major plusses and minuses to either outcome, but I think the plusses outweight the minuses.

My biggest obstacle when it comes to accomplishing an important goal has always been myself.  That’s true for everyone, of course, but I have sabotaged myself more times than I have helped myself so the chances it will happen again are worrisomely high.  I’m hoping that this knowledge and my fear of a repeat will be the key to serving myself for once.

I’ve played out both extreme opposite outcomes in my head.

Worst case scenario:

I freak the fuck out over everything and shut down and go hide in my room watching movies and TV series day after day.  I lose my patience with my kids on a nightly basis and make them miserable, angry, and sad.  I get an offer for this job after a couple weeks and I’m so overwhelmed by all that I haven’t done that I think I can’t take the job and end up turning it down.  I convince myself and Dennis that it’s for the best because I need to focus on selling this house and moving to Texas.  I finally start doing some work around the house all the while feeling guilty that I let things slide so much that I couldn’t handle taking the job.  Christmas starts knocking on the door and suddenly I’m forced into action because I feel as if the world is coming to an end.  I give away or throw away all the things I could have sold to make some cash.  The house is finally put on the market months after we had planned, I’ve put on more pounds of self loathing, the packing is chaotic, I settle for a moving company at the worst rate possible out of desperation, I settle on a bad offer on this house, and I limp to Texas with the kids in the car feeling like a complete failure and an idiot for setting myself up for success failure in Texas by fucking myself over so thoroughly and forcing myself to start my life there with major feelings of self loathing instead of great feelings of empowerment and a belief that I my control over my own life has improved.  It wouldn’t be the first time I had fucked myself over like that. I have been fucking myself over like that for the last several years and this move was supposed to be a chance at facing my fears, cleaning the slate, and doing the work.   But I have just failed.  Again.  There is no hope for me at this point and it’s likely from here on out that anti-depressants and a divorce are in my future. 

Best case scenario:

I continue to put the work on my moving journal which I have created to lay out how packing will be organized (by color).  I use this system to identify all the items that need selling, donating, and trashing.  I start and maintain a detailed inventory list for everything that is getting moved, and I complete my search for the right moving company and I make a deposit and have them on standby.  I work daily to ensure that all items on my sell list are sold, all items on my trash list are trashed, and all items on my donate list are donated.  The house gets put on the market on schedule and I’m offered the remote job which I accept.  Even if I am not done with all the work when it’s offered, I feel 100% in control and feel confident that I can handle the job and work on the remaining packing/selling/donating after hours and on weekends.  Even if things get hard, my frustration level is low enough to keep me from murdering my kids each day when they push those buttons they push.  The happier they are, the less buttons they push. Once the house is on the market, I feel good enough about everything that is done and the time left to play with (and the fact that I’m making an income) that I am not going to accept a shit offer for this house if one is given, even if we sell it as-is.  It’s a good house and I’m not desperate.  Even if selling takes longer than we’d hoped for, we feel confident enough to rent a house ahead of the sale and may even take a 3-4 day vacation to Texas to work on getting it furnished and so the kids can see Dennis, and get excited about their new house.  Once the old house sells everything is ready and we pack up whatever is remaining and head off.  I arrive in Texas, whether I love it or hate it, with a sense that life can be good and with a new confidence in myself and a belief that my days of fucking myself over are over. 

Best and worst scenarios.  Either one is possible and even if it ends up being something in between, I think my actions are what matters most.   If I don’t get the job, if we don’t get a good offer, if it takes longer than we’d like to sell, if I don’t have the patience I’m going to need to keep me from murdering my kids…  that’s all variable and what happens will happen and won’t really affect how I feel about myself.  Well, maybe not getting the job will, but that falls under the category of “out of my control”.

I know what I need to do, but the question is will I do it?  I’m tired of self-evaluating why I do or don’t do what I do or don’t do, so I won’t.  At this point and after all this time I just know it’s a matter of doing versus not doing.  How it all turns out will depend on how big of a coward I am and whether or not I have the courage enough to face my fears of failure.  

It is very intriguing how a fear of failure will keep me from trying to keep from failing.  For being a highly analytical human being, I sure suck at self-analysis.  Ever heard of Morita Therapy?  After I read up on that is when I stopped trying to analyze my motives and just DO shit or not DO shit.  There is no try. (Or analysis)

I struggled all week to write something new about this new adventure of ours to move to Texas but, frankly, I have been tired. I’ve been so exhausted after calling and talking to what feels like dozens of plumbers and roofers and electricians, scheduling their visits to my house, making sure the visits don’t overlap, and keeping track of each estimate, their contact information, and what I thought of them each day.  It’s exhausting even when you encounter nice people who are truly interested in providing their best service without price gouging fucking you in the ass.  

Today, I met a plumber who I think really wasn’t a happy man.  He tried to put on a smile a couple of times, but this just wasn’t a happy man.  He wanted to charge me $750 to replace a shower faucet, $200 to replace a valve outside, $800 to install a tankless water heater, and $130 to snake my toilets, so I just had him snake the toilets.  Fuck everything else.   Ethan put something down the toilet but he said that if snaking didn’t work, we just needed a new toilet.  He wouldn’t even try removing the toilet to get the object out because “we don’t do that” and “your toilet is too old”.  So if the snaking didn’t work, I’d be out $130 anyway and still have a clogged toilet.  Also, his was the second estimate I got for installing that water heater that has been 3 to 4 times the price I was expecting.  So I decided to just sell the tankless water heater.  I realize this house doesn’t need a tankless water heater to help it sell.   It certainly doesn’t need me to pay for its installation.

Today’s highlight, however, came when I openned the shipping box of the tankless water heater.  It turned out that the water heater wasn’t the only thing in that box.   Along with a shirt, a box of baby wipes, and tire pressure guage, there was a Samsung 27″ curved computer monitor.    I didn’t order it.  It was just sent by accident.  I was shocked and happy but also pissed that i didn’t know that was in there.  That huge unopenned box that sat like a monument to my inaction and procrastination actually had a hidden treasure inside that I nearly missed out on because I wouldn’t open it.  I didn’t open it because I thought the water heater inside would spill out everywhere and I wanted to keep it all contained.   I didn’t want to unleash that can of worms when it would be easier to ignore it if it remained in the box.   A habit that will be a challenge to end.

These three R’s each have the capacity to spread like a disease.  The rats spread filth, the wood rot begets more rot, and a rut just gets harder to break out of.  The longer they go unchecked, the more damage they do and I’m not just talking figuratively. This has been my reality and I would have to say that each one has contributed to the persistence of the others.  I always thought that if I had a chance to get a situational and geographical transplant, I would, while also keeping in mind how difficult it would be to get that chance while the rut was in full swing. And no, the rut isn’t another word for depression.  I know the difference.

Everyone who was employed at my last job for as long as I was would attest they probably stayed too long.  I know I did.  I feel the same way about my house.  15 years in this place has just been way too long especially for a house I never loved and a house we outgrew years ago.  So it has some wood rot now which made it easy for the rats to get in and now we are paying thousands to deal with it, rut or no rut.  As for the rut itself, I desperately need new surroundings.  A new city may be in order as well.  Hell, why not move to a whole new state?!

Yes, it would be nice to win the lottery, buy a new place, get all new furniture and clothes, and just step into the new situation.  Throw in a new, fulfilling job and I’d be golden.  But I think that would be too easy.   I want and need to work my own way out of the rats, the rot, and the rut …so I am.  The rats were tackled last week and this, and the rot will be dealt with this week and next.  The rut, I expect, will be a longer process that I won’t be sure is cured until some months in the future when I can finally look back and can say “Yup, things have come a long way.”  Perhaps the rut just goes away the moment I decide to ignore it and just move forward with tackling everything else. 

So what else would I want to rant or write about but the disastrous state of my house? That’s all making the news these days. I went from being exTREMEly anal and not tolerating the smallest thing out of place, to being completely uncaring of things and throwing towels and laundry on the floor and sleeping on dirty sheets. So sad. I was wondering last week if I might be getting depressed again.

I’ll say one thing for certain tho.. and it’s that sometimes I feel like I’m not living my waking hours in a state where I’m surrounded by reality. In other words, I feel as if I’m living in a constant dream-state. Every now and again something jars me out of it long enough to notice that I’m not living in the now.

Just last week I looked over at my kids and a sense of reality washed over me. I “woke up” and suddenly realized that I have two kids and it was as if I was seeing them for the first time. It was a surprising moment. Like cold water splashing on my face. I felt like I was missing out on something good.

I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I bury myself in one thing or another and don’t look up often enough to interact with the real people around me, where I live, and the normal household chores I should be keeping up with. Hence, the disastrous state of my house.

I have good news tho, my house is finally getting painted. The guy across the street is doing the work… slowly… because he does it in the evenings, but we have one full coat of primer on the house now. Sometime in the next few days, the first coat of paint will go up. I’m not totally sold on the color I chose, but the one I really want is close enough that if I change my mind after coat #1, I will get the second half of the paint in that color instead.

I have more to say.. but that would be going off on a tangent. More later. ciao!

So I’m slowly getting back into the groove at work  (btw, the slowness at which I adjust to change could land a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records), and I reaffirmed for myself today just how bad I am at getting back to important emails.  I tend to flag and forget a LOT.  How do I get out of this habit?

I think what I need is to set aside some time each week to deal with flagged email .. but the sad thing is, I can’t do this at work.  The distraction at work is too great.  I rarely get to work on project work  at work.   This is why (before vacation) I would work from home a lot.  It wasn’t really a chore for me.  I enjoyed it.

Now tho?  I find I am spending way more time working on the house than on work stuff when I’m at home.  This is good. VERY good. Because I not only feel good about work, I feel good about my home too.   I think as soon as all this catch up work I’m doing is over with, I’ll spend a great deal of time on work at home again. OR a new hobby perhaps?   We’ll see.

One thing that will help greatly is that we are working on getting the baby’s room cleared out to turn it into an office.  I still need to sell a dresser, crib, changing table and glider chair.   I’m very excited about a few changes I’m making to the interior of the house.  My goal is just to make it feel more like a home instead of some walls and a roof we live under.  It’s never really felt good to me.

But yea, flag and forget?  This needs to change.  Another thorn my borderline OCD self needs work out of her side.