What was I thinking ..naming that other day “Day One”. Eff that! Yesterday was the real Day One.
Yesterday was the day Dennis took off to Texas early in the morning. Yesterday was the real Day One of however many days it takes before the kids and I can also move to Texas and we can all be together again. And for being the first day, it was a really shit day too. First, I realized that during his packing, Dennis left the door to the garage open long enough to allow Appa (our dog) to roam around, pee, and shit in there. This is a problem because there is rat poison in the garage that was planted by our exterminator 3 weeks ago. We all knew we could not let the dog into the garage for any length of time. For 2-3 weeks we knew this but I guess it slipped his mind …all night. Needless to say I’m still angry with him over it. When I realized this at around 11am yesterday (just 2 hours after Dennis drove away), it began a marathon of vet visits, phone calls, driving around, whatever it took to get Appa the medicine he needed to work as an antidote for the rat poison. I had no idea if he actually ate any of the poison, but I wasn’t about to sit around and wait to see if he was going to start dying in the next 2 days. By then, it would be too late.
I guess my experience with losing my dog Scully 8-9 years ago to rat poisoning has taught me that there is no such thing as an overreaction to this situation. I was gonna do whatever I had to do and not for me and not for the dog, even, because he’s already old but for the kids. I didn’t want them to have to deal with losing our dog after they had just “lost” their dad for an indeterminate amount of time. Nah, who am I kidding, I don’t want to lose our dog either. How could I begin what I want to be a successful 3 month plan with the death of our dog? He’s a really really good dog too and is worth the effort and money to save him. So I spent 7 hours away from the house and away from my kids to take care of Appa. I was worried the whole time too because this was the longest my daughters had ever been left alone to care for their little brother. At 2 years of age, Ethan is a BIG handful right now.
Getting the vitamin K1 tablets was a huge problem because both CVS and Walgreens told me there was no generic version of the pills and that 140 pills would cost me upwards of $9k. I don’t care how much we love Appa there just was no way I would pay that amount for a few pills. I had to find non-human grade pills. After several hours of running around and making phone calls, my vet found another animal hospital that had them in stock so I headed over there. 2 hours later, I had my pills and Appa had been given a shot of VitK1 by then so he was safe for the moment. I also ordered a bottle of vitamin k1 for dogs online which would complete the treatment. The entire debacle cost us just over $500. I’m still so angry at Dennis that he let this happen. I’m not even mad over this one incident. I’m angry that he doesn’t listen to me. Like ever. (Ok, not really ever but I’m still mad so… I’m allowed to exaggerate)
When Dennis was saying goodbye to the girls, Maya became very upset and I swear I saw a flicker of emotion from Jada too. That girl is like me pre-pregnancies when it comes to emotions. She inherited that Vulcan gene. She feels sadness but she just internalizes it and it feels like a far away thing until it’s not. And that, we have little control over. It’s not easy allowing emotions to boil over much. It just doesn’t happen naturally. Extra effort has to be made before it can happen. Anger and a sense of injustice has a much greater chance of invoking an emotional response and tears than sadness does. Me at funerals was always a challenge. I mean how do you demonstrate you give a shit about the person who died unless you’re seen shedding a tear? How do you shed a tear on demand? It takes effort to think about things so grim that you overwhelm yourself with emotion long enough to make water spill from your eyes. This skill is really hard to master. If she’s like me, Jada won’t figure out how to do that until her 30’s. But however you cut it, I know that both of the girls felt the departure of their dad in their own way and my vigil began then to keep them safe and happy, all on my own. And then the dog happened.
I do have family an hour away but for all intents and purposes, I may as well be in Texas right now and alone. I feel a need to not rely on anyone for help not because I don’t want to bother anyone, but because I feel I have relied on Dennis too much. I’m not sure when I became less self sufficient because I always had been pre-babies. It’s in my DNA to be self reliant. It’s not that I ever felt I wasn’t capable, I just stopped practicing it. Laziness. Convenience. Whatever it is/was, it doesn’t matter. I just know I want to rely on myself and DO what needs to get done on my own so that maybe I can get that practical faith in myself back. And it’s really difficult to put into words what I mean. See, I’m not afraid or worried because I KNOW I can handle it so in that sense I do have self-confidence. It’s just that I haven’t shown myself or others by example that I can in a long while. I’m not sure what’s more important to me; showing myself or showing others. I think .. myself. Because there’s only one person in my head and watching. Maybe I’m the “others”.